Sunday again :(

Well it is Sunday once again and once again I feel like total crap. Sunday used to be my favorite day of the week and I absolutely loved goin to church. I loved the feeling of belonging, and the company and learning about our Lord and Savior. I loved the way I felt. But ever since the divorce and subsequent events, it has gotten harder and harder to wanna get out of bed on Sundays. It was one of the more bizzarre experiences of my life to attend church after getting a divorce. I all of the sudden did not belong. It was not anything anyone did or said. I guess it was what wasnt said and what wasnt done. Dont get me wrong- the people in my ward are AMAZING! Some of the best people you will ever meet, and the ward as a whole is incredible. I could not ask for more support or kindness than has been shown in my ward. It just became very awkward. I think no one knew what to say. No one wanted to say anything about it. I really wanted to talk about it - and sometimes still do, but I think it just makes everyone feel so uncomfortable. Maybe they dont know whether to say congratualations or condolences. I have tried to just make light of my situation, hoping that if others see that I am comfortable with everything they will be too, but it seems to just make everyone more uncomfortable. So now I just dont say anything.

The lessons are great. But everything in the church is geared towards families - and it should be. That is the way things SHOULD be. But for me they are not. The most difficult are the lessons on marriage and how to make relationships work. They ALWAYS bring up how horrible it is to get a divorce. When they do I want to scream that they dont understand! I know that it is not directed at me. I know that if I was talking to them one on one they would never condemn me for my situation (well most wouldnt although I wonder about some). At the same time however I wish that they would realize NOBODY wants to be divorced. No person I have met wants to be in this situation. I do agree that divorce is all to often a solution that is to readily available, and most divorces can and should be avoided. I think if a couple could experience life as a single person for a month they would try a little harder. The only thing in this world I can imagine being more difficult than a single parent, it being married to someone who didnt realize he was married. As difficult as it is at times I am still happier than I was at most points in my 15 years of marriage.

I just keep hoping that someday Sundays will be what they used to be. That on Sundays I will be able to find refuge from the world. As it is now I find refuge from Sunday during the week. Why do I still go??? Well I guess it is because at the end of it all the Gospel is still true and we are commanded to attend our meetings. I go to show my dedication to the Gospel, to keep my covenants, and to sacrifice three hours of my week in worshiping my Savior no matter how difficult it may be. Life is hard sometimes, especially on Sundays.